The Support Men Give Each Other

Men have a difficult time connecting with each other.  As you know, they (we) are typically isolated from other men as we involve ourselves in our jobs, relationships and families and often leave little or no time to connect with other men.  The activities of these areas of our lives require a lot of energy and take time.    When we connect, the connection is often around sports, drinking at the bar or talking about work.  Where do we get the emotional connection from men?  Do we even need it?

Yes we do need it.  Some men reading this article may feel happy with the connections they have with men friends.  These friends might be fun "playmates" and good people to spend time with.  But are these men an emotional support when you go through a difficult time at work or at home?  Do these men know the kind of man you want to be or know what fears you have.  Does it matter?

Many studies have shown that married men live longer than single men.  Single men have a shorter life expectancy than women, too.  Why is this?  Because single men become isolated, lonely and often depressed and have no good ways to manage this stress.  Their female partners become their emotional support system, and when that relationship gets in trouble, they have no support system to fall back upon.  Women generally tend to the be the orchestrators of social support for the couple or family. 

What kind of support can men give each other?  When men are able to have emotional relationships with each other, the support they supply is different than with women.  Because the sexual tension and ego of the romantic relationship is missing, men can be more honest with each other.  They can confront each other in a caring way, and these confrontations seem to sink in better.  Men can often hear the same support from men that they might get from women, but it will sink in better.  

Men can also identify with the shame or sadness that men often carry.  For example, most men carry some emotional effects of their difficult relationships with their own fathers.  The distance in this relationship often is translated into sense of being damaged, not good enough, or "male shame."  Men can relate to this with each other.  We are all on that road together.  Connecting with men around these deeper issues helps us be better people.  Many of us, I know, are not being the men we want to be for ourselves and our families, with children and communities suffering as a result.  Men can hold each other accountable and give caring nudges to each other when they slip off the path toward wholeness and greatness.

Men often spend considerable time comparing themselves to each other.  Being around other men over time, helps each man realize that we are all about the same.  Maybe our bodies are different but our hearts and minds are very much alike.  This combats the shame that we might hold inside that we are "weird", "less than, or different.  The truth is, we aren't.

I am reminded that men get the same level of good support from each other that women gain from each other when they share their deeper selves.  A key difference is women are raised with a host of social skills that men are not raised with.  As a result, men have a lot more to learn about relating to each other and letting down their guard than women might.  We can learn from women in this way, but we will relate differently to each other than women do with each other.  Our communication is typically shorter, for example.  At times, it seems that after a few words and grunts we are connecting, whereas women's connections involve more complex language.

For all the men reading this and the people who are close to them (partners, children, parents), I can almost guarantee you will be a better man in the company of other men.  Your life satisfaction, capacity for intimacy and even earning power will increase when you learn to be in emotional connection with other men.

Here are things you can do to make this happen:

1)  Find a men's community.  Here are some places to start (www.nom.org; www.ebnom.org)

2)  Seek relationships with men that are more than drinking buddies or sports fans.  Spend time together and talk about what matters to you as a person, deeper than these topics.

3)  Participate in men's experiential weekend that focuses on these issues.  Here is a place to start. (http://www.mkp.org/)

4)  Explore this idea in psychotherapy with a male therapist who shares these beliefs so that you can start developing the good skills for developing these better relationships

5)  Participate in a men's group of other men. This structured group will help you focus on these deeper issues.  Here's where to start (http://www.mensgroups.com/).

Our community needs powerful men!  Many of the problems the world faces these days are because of the folly of men.  Men are powerful and very good at creating positive change in the world if their goals are for higher purposes (Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Bono).   Together we can help accomplish these tasks but we need the emotional support of each other to be the best we can be.  Last but not least, we can make the world a better place for our sons and daughters.  We need to teach them to be the best people they can be, by being the best people WE can be.